Because do you know what the cavemen started doing as soon as they had the ability to cook their food? They started cooking their fucking food.

Sure, cavemen didn’t have shoes. Until they invented fucking shoes! They also didn’t have antibiotics, refrigeration, written languages, wheels, patchouli, the internet, and NOT LIVING IN A ROCK WITH A HOLE IN IT. But I don’t see anyone giving any of that up in the name of “health.”

How much impact? We can do a rough calculation. The average cow emits the equivalent of about four tons of carbon dioxide per year. To put that in perspective, the average automobile emits about five tons per year. So, in the worst case, a total ban on pink slime would be like adding 1.2 million cars to the road.

As a few journalists have pointed out since, the last decade was a superbly bad time to focus your company’s whole marketing strategy on young males, who as a demographic were socked by the recession.

Wendy’s took the opposite route. The company’s had always staked its image on using fresher ingredients than its competition, serving burger patties that had never been frozen, for instance. So it chose to double down on that route. In its most high profile move, the chain redesigned its old, square burgers, which focus groups said looked processed, and created a thicker patty using a looser cut of meat, meant to mimic the upstart better-burger chains like Five Guys.

The increased risks linked to processed meat, like bacon, were even greater: 20 percent over all, 21 percent for cardiovascular disease and 16 percent for cancer.